whitecometx

I jump between this and xanga still so yeah.....

Anyways something to clear up first.... Jimmy this is directed at you now after I looked back at the comment on my very last post here on LJ and which post it tied to... You commented me asking me to add you, which on normal circumstances would be fine to do on any of my blog posts, and I did add you but the fact you posted it where you had posted it ticked me off just now. It was posted in my rant about the dog I lost to the unfortunate stupidty of my parents, especially my dad. Now you're probably wondering why I'm addressing this after 8 months, I have an answer to that. I decided to go back and read through my old blog posts here and when I saw a comment I was wondering what it was and hadn't realized that comment you gave me to ask me to add you was post on THAT specific blog post. Here I was 8 months and ago ranting and bitching at that unfortunate loss and yet you stupidly post something like "Kenny add me" with no sense of care whatsoever at what that post was for. Thus the result is, I deleted you as a friend off of LJ for it. Oh don't worry you can still find me on facebook, I just find it insulting you'd post it in THAT specific blog. That's all I gotta say to you about that. Now moving on.....

It's weird when I think about it now. All the different outlooks I've had on life, my life, and the people around me have once again changed. After a stupid little bitch-fest that happened over the weekend, I've been thinking back to things and how things have changed so much once more in the course of a year and a half on top of the many years that have passed before it. I look back even further as well beginning with the people I've lost for one reason or another then I look at the people I've lost for one reason or another over the course of this passed year and a half and I continue to think and wonder. It feels like the part of me I feel is missing got another section tacked on and that section continues to grow over the years as I lose more and more people in my life. It makes things feel much more lonesome but at the same time I know I'm not alone. I have friends who have been there for me at one point or another and I'm grateful. I just still feel the part of me that is missing plus that extra tacked on section is growing more and more and will continue to grow no matter what. Regardless of that and all the mental and emotional anguish, I still get up everyday and walk forward. I walk forward down a different path from the one I used to walk. I walk down a different path from the one I led 3 months ago and I continue upon this path paving my way in life. Yet things still feel so weird and odd.....

So I went in yesterday to see if I can get Mickey's ashes once he gets put to sleep to only find out they put him to sleep the same fucking day he was brought in. They said they did it because they didn't wanna take the risk of stressing Mickey out by leaving him in a cage for a 10 day impoundment. Apparently, they first refused to take Mickey thinking I'd come in and demand my dog back. Theres also the fact my dad was being paranoid and said Mickey was a wild dog when he knew full damn well that it was him and my mom who made Mickey uncomfortable causing Mickey to bite them.

The guys at the San Gabriel Humane Society asked my dad if I knew that he was doing this during the day he took Mickey in (which was Tuesday, 1/15/2008) and he apparently bullshitted and said that I knew my dad brought him in. I knew nothing of it and in fact to my knowledge I had a few days before they would take Mickey in to come up with a solution.

Going back to Mickey being put down the same day he was brought in, I can't even get the body back to burn and put the ashes in an urn. THATS TWO FUCKING TIMES NOW!!! TWO FUCKING TIMES THAT I FAILED WHEN IT COMES MICKEY!!! Whats fucking ironic is that the ownership and custody of Mickey was suppose to have fucking transferred to me ever since the first time they took him in to put him to sleep and I got him back. Yet, they let my dad put Mickey back in there mainly because my dad says I'm not home enough to watch over the dog. Its true I'm not home as often as my mom is but the dog is still mine so I find it pretty fucking stupid that they'd take Mickey after just hearing my dad's stupid words. Now its like theres nothing I can fucking do about that situation anymore.

Now this also leaves me with even less of a reason to even fucking come home anymore. Mickey was one of the reasons I fucking even come home because he was a fun dog that I cared for as my pet. It's like why the fuck should I even come home anymore really? Oh thats fucking right I can't fucking support myself yet.........FUCK!................I've basically snapped already and even after I calmed down I snapped again. Like earlier last night when I got home at around 11 something, I snapped again because I was taking the fucking heat from my mom for a lot of fucking things. Then I just ended up going out again to try and calm down. Fuck it all, I'm done here for now!

In the end, even with a plan, I failed to save Mickey a 2nd time and this time I had help too. I'm not the only one who feels like I failed horribly too, Edison does too and I can't really speak for the rest but they feel it sucks and that its sad. Mickey was a cool dog and not some wild untrained mutt like my parents take him for. Each and every fucking time Mickey bit them its because they made him feel uncomfortable in someway and they basically admitted to that when they tell me how it all went down. Though they refuse to accept that they are the ones who are partly at fault and deny all facts that they made Mickey uncomfortable even after they tell me they did. It's fucking stupid really......

I saved Mickey once when they first put him in the pound awhile back and I bitched them both out about it and got Mickey out of the pound. Though that required my dad being there with me to get him back and supposedly they transferred ownership of the dog to me at that point. But apparently they didn't do that and my dad was still considered the owner and could take him in there again anyways. Well now, I can't take Mickey back especially since my dad is gone out of state currently and he is the one put him in there. Me and my friends had a plan and it never got put into action because we were 2 days too late to get Mickey away from my house. Just 2 fucking days! 2 FUCKING DAYS!!!!!

It bugs the hell out of me how it got much quieter when I woke up yesterday (Sunday) and Mickey wasn't there being loud and all. It bugs the hell out of me that it got quieter without Mickey (well not too quiet since my mom stills bitches about the stupidest fucking shit) around. It bugs the hell out of me to look into the kitchen at the cage and to see Lucky (1 of my other dogs) sleeping in there and not Mickey. That also serves as a constant reminder that Mickey will be gone soon and I failed to save him the 2nd time around.

I'm not sure how many days into the 10 day impoundment it has been but it hasn't been 10 days yet so I'm going get his ashes back once they put him to sleep. I'll keep it in a urn with a framed picture of Mickey on my computer desk to act as another constant reminder. A constant reminder that Mickey was once here in this house, was once alive, and that I failed to save him. It still fucking hurts to wake up everyday and not see him there. Hell it even hurts just to be home now at all. I didn't wanna be home much before and now theres just one less reason for me to even return home at all. Sadly, I fucking have to since I can't support myself. If I could I wouldn't be living with my fucking parents. They can fucking completely rot in hell for all I fucking care now.

They took away one of the living things in my life that mattered to me and now I'm just basically close to snapping. One of these days, I wouldn't be suprised if I just super kicked my parents everytime I fucking see their faces. They should be glad my friends are what keep me reasonable right now. I'm fucking done for now...... I'll post another one Tuesday on news whether I get the ok to get Mickey's ashes or not.

Satori Negishi - Stargazer ~Hoshi no Tobira~

Miageru sora
Kanashimi no
Aoki nageki no uta ga tada kikoeru

Yasashii shiroi matataki
Ubaisatta kaze... kanata

Nigenai boku wa kimeta yo
Kimi no nukumori soba ni kanjite

Me wo sorasazu ni
Subete kono mune ni
Sasaru shinjitsu naraba

Aruiteyukou
Yugami fusagareta
Hoshi no tobira no mukou...

Nari yamanai
Akai ame
Omoidasenai tsubusareta ashioto

Kimi no te sotto furetara
Kanjiteru yo sono kodou

Tsunaide mou hanasanai
Terashitsudzukeyou hoshi no hikari de

Nanika ga kawaru
Ryoute hirogetara
Sore ga shinjitsu dakara

Doko e mo yukazu
Boku no soba ni ite
Tobira wo akete ageyou

Me wo sorasazu ni
Subete kono mune ni
Sasaru shinjitsu naraba

Aruiteyukou
Yugami fusagareta
Hoshi no tobira no mukou...

[End of song]

If you want translations for it then just google up the song lyrics. Thats kind of like how I feel minus certain parts of it I guess. Been feeling like this ever since that Charging Rhinos New Year's reunion with church buddies yesterday. Everyone there was so damn happy and enjoying themselves and theres the part of me who can't seem to enjoy it with them. Pretty stupid of me to feel alone in the world even with all the friends that love and care but I just kind of feel like that still. Guess in the end I still retained the after-effects of high school >.>;;;........Fuck......

Even when I'm out and I should be having fun, I haven't been able to bring it upon myself to as of lately. Its funny since Conrad was the one who said I can keep up the randomness and all that to have fun but look at me now. I guess this comes with the "Kyuubi" side being unleashed more as of lately (my other side that has been dubbed Kyuubi so don't think I'm like Naruto with some nine-tailed fox locked inside me because I don't have one.) though I guess I can't truely say thats it in a way. Also I feel like maybe I'm just in the way a lot of the times like I was to my then best friends and friends during my high school years. That led me to being alone when I entered college and I feel just like that right now.

The egotistical, temperamental, cold, harsh, non-caring, and truly evil side of me wants to come out but at the same time I don't want it doing so mainly cuz its also costed me so much in the past. I guess if it wasn't for my current group of friends, be it the ones I met in college or the ones that are my family from high school or what not, I probably would still be the old me and would not be as nice or caring as described above.

Tobira wa hiraku ka? Tobira wa hiraku nai ka? Dochira?

Eh..... part of me feels that the possibility of things are low and the other part of me is stubborn and won't give up. Though I've been thinking letting go and moving on would have been better but I still can't shake the feeling I get from how real those damn dreams, that I have dubbed as "Mind Game Dreams," feel when I awake from them. Then theres the fact I can't shake the feeling that I feel like she likes a close friend of mine at the same time. Though I've said that I'd encourage him to go for her if she does like him it still feels like it sucks. Heh, love is still a bitch in the end.

Today just started off slow and boring like all Sundays to being slightly interesting. Alright, so I had just settled down by the computer after my shower and then my friend Angela suddenly calls me says that Bonny locked her key in her car and that they need someone pick them up at Popeyes. I pick them up from there and take them back to Bonny's house. She tries to open the front door to only find out that the top most lock is locked and she doesn't have the key for that since none of her family does either. So we go through the backyard and the wall didn't look too sturdy so I pushed aside this REALLY flimsy plant/tree of hers while she squeezed through and one of the branches broke.

By now, I'm like okay thats one freaken flimsy plant and just left the branch dangling there. Bonny opens the back gate for us and then she attempts to open the back door with however many keys she had and it finally opens. She rushes in and finds her spare car keys so we leave. On our way out, Angela says this is worthy of a xanga post so I'm like okay then this is going on my live-journal as well and she starts laughing while agreeing with me. All-in-all like I told Angela and Bonny, this was the most pathetic break-in attempt ever since we had the keys to house but just couldn't go through front door. It was interesting to say the least though. That's all for the time being.

Wow, an almost 8 month span between the time of my blogs. Anyways, damn I feel so damn tired lately even when I get enough sleep and I've been sleeping at 11:30 or 12 every night so far because I'm so tired. Also I've been having semi-weird dreams lately. I swear my mind is messing with me or something when it gives me a scene of what I want to happen. Its like mind games by my own mind but at the same time its not. I guess I've finally once again over-exhausted myself. I found myself on bed in the morning last weekend even though I had fallen asleep on my computer chair. I usually only sleep walk to my own bed when I am over-exhausted and its only happened 2 other times. So damn..........

Argh, looking for a new job is a bitch. I'm still awaiting a call from the places I applied for and once a week is up I'm going to start calling them up and asking about it. Need money after all to travel around and buy things XD. Well I'm gone for now so until next time whenever that is.

Okay, so I was reading a friend's xanga and she posted a blog saying she can't wait to graduate but at the same time shes not sure shes ready to not be able to see her friends everyday of her life. On top of that, she said she wasn't sure if she is ready to go out into the real world.

So now I'm wondering how many other people actually think that way. Well not like anyone reads this LJ but I'll state what I think anyways.

No matter what a person says or does, they will have to go out into the real world and college after high school. Instead of dreading or fearing it, you should just embrace it and go along with it. It may seem like a bad thing at first to not be able to see many of your friends as often as you'd like to but it won't be like that forever. You'll meet new friends in college and you could still keep in touch with your old friends. It may be the best thing to happen to anyone in life. I know graduating from High School and going out into the real world as well as going to college has been a very great thing in my life. I met new friends and I still kept in touch with old friends as well.